


Respite

by Tazmy



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 18:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2518028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tazmy/pseuds/Tazmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some time after Sunday and Phantoms, nightmares plague Rodney.  Unable to sleep and seeing ghosts everywhere, he returns to Earth with John in tow.  Madison draws pictures to help him feel better and even gives him a lovey.  It's a story about recharging that takes place with a Halloween backdrop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Respite

**Author's Note:**

> Artwork is by my 4-year-old.
> 
> My story reverted to an earlier draft. I think I've gone through and fixed it all but I apologize for any remaining errors.

[](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/rodneystargate_zpse5cd9c48.jpg.html) [](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/stargate_zps29ed5f2e.jpg.html)

* * *

_Rodney wakes up to the sound of another emergency. It takes him a moment to crawl out of bed, find his headset, and call in._

_He races to grab his robe from the closet only for his eye to catch a card from his 4-year-old niece, Madison. He's placed it on his wall at a place of honor next to his diplomas._

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/loveu_zps1af7d148.jpg.html)

_He allows himself a second more to gaze at the picture. It's a moment of peace in a chaotic life. The moment recharges his energy._

_He races to the control center wrapped in his blue robe. He kicks the nearest technician out of his chair and starts typing frantically at the computer. He races between computer and control crystals then back to the computer and back to the DHD. He complains about Ancients and their lack of manuals while barking orders to Zelenka. His wide eyes suggest he's as terrified of certain doom as Rodney is but his voice is less panicked and he keeps a cooler head for everyone else in the room to follow._

_Rodney lives this scene constantly. Last week and the week before. Three years in Pegasus and the weeks are starting to blend together. It's one disaster after another and no time for rest. He wonders why he bothers having quarters separate from his lab or the control room._

_"Watch out!" someone cries._

_Rodney pushes himself out from under the DHD. Strong arms grab his shoulders and pull him away. There is a loud boom followed by white light. Rodney's body screams in pain. Somehow he is on the floor and hands are all over him. Blood pools beneath his back. Smoke assails his lungs. Feet away, Zelenka lays motionless, his eyes open wide but not seeing._

Rodney's eyes shoot open in panic. There is no fire. There is no blood. He stares at the familiar ceiling of his quarters, acclimating himself to the new surroundings while willing himself to breathe.

John's voice comes from the room's speaker.

Rodney's arms are heavy as he reaches for the answer button. He feels the phantom pain of imagined wounds from explosions that never happened. Blood drenches his shirt. No, not blood. Sweat.

Rubbing his hands through his hair he says, "Yeah, I'm here."

"It's about time. You okay?"

"Other than the fact you just woke me up? Peachy. What do you want?"

"Briefing. Elizabeth hates waiting."

"Oh. Right. I'll be there in a minute." It's the meeting for P4X-375. Or is this the meeting for P45-981? He closes his eyes tightly, trying to remember. Dreams blend into memories. It's been happening for a while now, he realizes. Each day it gets harder to sort one mission from the other or even reality from illusion.

Thanks to transporters the journey to the control room doesn't take long. Upon entering the conference room, he races to the nearby coffee maker and pours two full cups for himself.

"You look like hell," John comments, surveying his teammate with a close eye.

"I do?" Rodney asks in surprise.

John doesn't reply right away as though waiting for more. Rodney realizes he should interject some sort of witty, acerbic reply. He should shout about Colonel's that shouldn't say anything if they can't say anything nice and he's one to talk with that ruffled hair. Really, doesn't the military have regulations about that sort of thing anyway?

He doesn't say anything though. His mind is too foggy and the transition from words to thoughts seems impossible. Instead, he slinks into the nearby chair. The coffee is hot like an explosion.

"Yeah, you do," John finally adds.

"Thanks."

"Thanks? What?"

"I don't know. Is there a reason we're still talking about this?"

"Because you look like hell."

"You do," Ronon adds.

"What we are trying to say is that you seem unwell. It is unusual for you to give such short replies," Teyla says. Her smile calms him, allowing him to focus.

"What? Oh. Uh. It's nothing. Just a late night in the lab again. New junior staff. Somehow common sense wasn't a prerequisite for coming here. I'm starting to wish I had Kavanagh back because at least he knew how to take proper precautions."

"Kavanagh? Really?" John asks.

"Well. No. Not Kavanagh because he's an annoying pain in the ass even more so than I am. But competence would be nice. How these people made it through the SGC hiring process I will never understand."

"You're the one that hired them, Rodney. I'm sure they're not that bad."

Rodney scoffs but his reply is cut off.

"You do realize that Zelenka can handle part of that load. It doesn't always have to be you," Elizabeth adds.

"Can we please get off the subject of me? As interesting as I am, I'm sure that's not why we're here."

"We're discussing trade negotiations with P5Y-239," Elizabeth says, motioning toward the report by his chair.

"Trade negotiations, really? You got me up for this? I thought it was important."

"They are in the middle of a severe drought," Teyla says. "If we do not help them, they are likely to lose many of their crops for the season. Many of them would starve."

"You didn't read the report?" John asks, watching Rodney carefully. John is not alone. Rodney feels all of their gazes. He thinks of bed and hiding under covers. Instead, he just slinks back into his chair.

"No, not really," he admits.

Elizabeth's eyebrow rises. John leans back in his chair, crossing his arm and pretending nonchalance. Ronon doesn't noticeably react but somehow Rodney can sense his concern.

Rodney glares. "I am a very important person who has a lot on my plate, right now, okay. You'll have to excuse me if I don't always have the time to read every random report that comes across my desk."

"It's never been a problem before," Elizabeth explains. "We're just a little concerned. That's all."

"Well don't be. Please, can we continue?"

Elizabeth fills him in. Rodney hears some of the conversation but somehow it's already over and he knows he's missed the end and most of the middle.

Everyone stands up and heads out. John stays back and motions for Rodney to do the same.

"What's going on?" John asks.

"Nothing. Just tired." Rodney doesn't tell John about the nightmares he's faced night after night. He doesn't mention how his hands keep shaking while he works. He doesn't explain how he sees Carson in the messhall and Gryffin in the jumpers every time he enters. Unlike hallucinations, he always knows they're not real but just memories.

He avoids looking at Ghost Zelenka behind him because the real Zelenka isn't a ghost and would very much rather not be imagined by Rodney of all people.

"Rodney?" John asks with his concerned, penetrating gaze that seems to read minds.

"Colonel?"

"You hardly said a word the entire briefing."

"So?"

"So you're not talking much now either. You're off."

"I'm off? I'm not a light switch. In fact, I'm fairly certain that I'm never truly  _off_ because my brain never shuts up. Seriously, if you think listening to me ramble is hard, imagine what it sounds like in here." His wild gesticulations come to a pause as he points at his head.

"Believe me; no one wants in your brain."

"Anyway, you were saying?"

"Have you checked in with Dr. Keller lately?"

Rodney wants to run and hide in his quarters or his lab. He wants to sleep for a day, a night, a year. He wants to go to the infirmary, but he hates it there. Ghost Carson is always waiting to welcome him and it's getting harder not to talk to him even knowing others will question his sanity.

"I need sleep," Rodney finally answers. "Real, honest sleep where I'm not interrupted by every little emergency. But no, I have to fix the lab reports and I have to mark off on experiments and when I do finally sleep I get to dream about saving everyone. Now I have to go and do some stupid negotiations that honestly I'd probably just mess up anyway because I'm bad with people and the mission is probably going to go wrong and I'm going to end up running endlessly in the forest or watching you get hurt or getting shot myself while probably having to race against the clock to save all of our lives again just to wake up and do the same tomorrow!"

He realizes he's yelling but he's not sure when he started.

Somehow John's hand is on his shoulder. "Okay, Buddy. Easy. How about we go find you some sleep, okay?" John watches him carefully, worry and fear apparent in his gaze. Not good, Rodney realizes, because John is looking at him as though afraid Rodney is broken or insane or something.

"Sorry, that came out crazy. I'm good, really. I just, uh, just need a break."

"We'll send out Lorne's team instead," Sheppard says.

Rodney finds himself wandering down the corridors with Sheppard's hand still inexplicably on his arm, guiding him forward and directing his turns.

He's not in his quarters but sitting on an infirmary bed while John calls for Keller. Rodney wants to run away and hide. Sleep makes everything better. He needs sleep.

Keller wraps the blood pressure cuff around his arm. It reminds him of his gazillion and three visits he's made to the infirmary. He hates waking up here with dizzying pain and confusion. Only he hasn't woken up here, he's been led here by John who won't stop staring at him. It doesn't help that Rodney didn't even argue about coming here.

Scans find nothing. Preliminary results on his blood work suggest he's somewhat dehydrated but otherwise fine. Keller pronounces him exhausted and demands he gets water and rest. He leaves with a bottle of sleeping pills.

John agrees to lead him to his room. He's on the headset telling control to keep Rodney's radio and intercom silent. Next he's on the headset talking to Ronon and Teyla, explaining how they're each going to stand watch and make sure he actually sleeps this time. Rodney hears himself talk about how humiliating this is and that he can sleep very well on his own without babysitters.

 _But maybe company will keep the nightmares away._  He collapses on the bed. Pillows and blankets surround him and for a moment he feels more at peace.

* * *

_There's an emergency on the eastern pier. John activated ancient tech without realizing it and now the whole pier is going to blow._

_Rodney moves to help but a warm hand grabs his own, holding him back. Teyla's hand. She is on the ground, blood trickling down her mouth. "You need to stop this!"_

_Ronon stands nearby, trapped in an ancient device that will explode the entire city if Rodney doesn't stop it. He types on his computer but the numerals don't make any sense and the writing isn't really Ancient but maybe Japanese and he's never really learned to read Japanese._

_A boom resounds across the room and everything goes white._

Strong arms are holding him steady. He hears a deep voice say, "It's not real. You're safe."

Ronon stays with him as Rodney breathes deeply, coming back to reality. He almost asks why Ronon is there but then remembers Sheppard's order for babysitting duty. Rodney is grateful to not be alone because his body is dripping with sweat and his gut is swimming.

"Teyla says you had nightmares when she was with you. So does Sheppard."

"Yeah," Rodney admits, looking down at his trembling hands.

"How long?"

"Since we came here, really."

"They getting worse?"

Rodney nods willing his breathing to slow.  _I'm safe. We're all safe._

"You should talk to someone. It'll help."

"I should probably see Heightmeyer," Rodney admits.

"You could talk to us," Ronon offers. Rodney senses the sincerity in Ronon's offer. It surprises him because he's never thought of Ronon as a sounding board.

"No," Rodney finally answers. "I can't... I…" He doesn't know how to finish the thought. He can't admit to them how far he's falling or how fast. He needs a break-a real long break. Or maybe he just needs to throw himself more into his work, allowing the adrenaline to carry him through. It usually works.

"I'll walk you then," Ronon says. He takes hold of Rodney's arm and leads him away from the quarters and straight to Heightmeyer's.

Rodney usually sees Heightmeyer regularly but not since seeing Ghost Carson everywhere. The last thing he wants is to be classified crazy and sent back home. He needs Atlantis and Atlantis needs him.

Heightmeyer has appointments waiting but she takes one look at Rodney and lets him in. He shuffles in the chair, brushing his hands through his hair. He stands up and paces then sits down again.

"I shouldn't have come here," he finally says, breaking for the door.

"What happens in the nightmares?" Heightmeyer asks.

Rodney stops short, turning to her. "Everyone dies and there's nothing I can do," he tells her. He feels his shoulders slacken. Somehow he is back in the chair, tapping his feet on the metal floor.

He tells her more than he should but once the flood gates are open there is no closing them. He tells her how nightmares haunt him during the day and how he's not always sure what's a memory and what's a dream.

"You're exhausted," Heightmeyer supplies and he's just glad she doesn't say crazy or PTSD.

"So now what?" he asks.

"Your preliminary medical labs came back normal. Assuming everything continues to look fine, maybe it's time to consider taking a break."

"What do you think I've been trying to do?!" he yells.

Heightmeyer doesn't flinch.

Rodney clears his throat. He works at using a calm, steady voice. "Every time I try, I just live the nightmares. When I'm awake it's a crisis and when I'm asleep it's a crisis. How can I take a break if my own mind won't let me?"

"Maybe you need a break from Atlantis."

Rodney glares at her. After years of talking to her surely she must understand what this place means to him. "I can't leave here. You can't make me."

"Rodney," Heightmeyer says softly.

"Please," he begs.

"I'm not going to send you away but you are exhausted. Nobody can carry as many burdens as you have and just expect to be okay."

"I'm good. Really."

"I'm not saying you should leave Atlantis permanently. What I am saying is that you still need to heal from losing Carson and countless others. Your body needs a chance to slow down and relax. It may not be possible to do that here."

"So what? A vacation?"

"Why not? You mentioned in each of the dreams that you always see a picture from your niece?"

"Yeah. She sends them regularly and I keep them in a drawer but in my dreams they are on my wall, right next to my degrees."

"And they give you a sense of peace?"

"Yes. I suppose so."

"Then maybe your subconscious is giving you the solution. Maybe you should visit your sister."

"Right because being around a 4-year-old will help me relax? You do realize who you're talking to, right?"

"You won't find rest here, Rodney. Maybe it will help to be with your sister and visit a time in your life before Atlantis. Before everything was a crisis. You might be surprised how soothing that can be."

He remembers the peace he feels every time he sees Madison's pictures. He needs that peace. "Just a month?"

"Just a month," she confirms. "We can reevaluate then."

* * *

Elizabeth grants the leave without hesitation.

John isn't so understanding. He eyes Rodney carefully, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed but his expression impassive. "We could camp out on another world."

"Right, because getting bit by alien insects that contain who know how many diseases while trying to keep at bay ferocious animals with fangs larger than my forearm is a great way to relax."

"Okay, asking Ronon to choose a world to camp at last time was a mistake. There are still dozens of worlds we could choose from that have been determined safe after several visits."

"Only because we haven't figured out what they're hiding yet."

"Fine. Not another world then. How about a pier?"

Rodney hesitates. The piers are far away and quiet but he can still hear Atlantis's low hum. They still feel like home.

He glances at the wall where he keeps dreaming Madison's picture hangs. He still feels bad about not being there for her and he wonders what she's like. He misses his sister and he misses cats and he misses Earth. "Not this time."

"What about hanging around the lab only? Didn't you say that was relaxing?"

Rodney knows what John is really saying even if John will never come out and use the actual words. He needs to keep Rodney nearby where he can see he is okay. What's more, neither of them will use the word lonely but it's how both of them will feel. John and Rodney keep each other sane in all the madness that Pegasus throws them. John's not ready to face a month without Rodney hanging around.

Rodney almost invites John along because he's not sure he can stand a month away either. Ever since Carson passed, Rodney has needed John's company more than he cares to admit. Movie nights are no longer a luxury but a need. Friendship is everything and Rodney still can hardly believe this is his life. He is a real-life action hero complete with a family and close friends.

Ghost Carson smiles from behind John. Rodney quickly pushes the image away.

The action-hero's life is overrated. Too much pain. Too much death. Too little rest.

In the end, he never does invite John but somehow John shows up a few days later at his quarters wearing jeans and a black t-shirt. He carries a duffel on his shoulder and a grin on his face.

"Elizabeth says the city can do without us for a month," he explains.

"I don't recall asking you to come."

"You're going to a house full of vegetarians with a 4-year-old kid. Radek's started a betting poll on how long you'll last."

"And somehow this explains you coming because why?"

John's gaze says  _because you'll need me. Because I'm worried._ Aloud he says, "I'll be staying at a nearby hotel. We can grab some steak together when you can't take it anymore."

"I don't get a choice in this, do I?"

"No, you don't."

Rodney complains bitterly about how he doesn't need babysitters. He's visiting his sister and not a Wraith Hive ship so John really doesn't need to come along.

He's glad all the same when he steps on Earth's soil with John there.

John drives most of the way while Rodney tries to decipher the latest card from his niece. Jeannie has been bragging nonstop in her letters about Madison's inventive spelling. Now that Rodney has an example, he's not really sure what there is to rave about. "What is this? Klingon?"

He turns the paper three or four rotations then decides the original orientation is correct. Unfortunately, no amount of transformations will help makes sense of the note.

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/feelbetter_zpsd409e494.jpg.html)

"I'm sure you'll figure it out."

"I'm not trained in 4-year-old speak. Seriously, this is supposed to say something? Can you read nonsense?"

He shoves the paper in John's view who quickly bats it away. "Watch it, Rodney."

"Are you sure you know how to drive still? I mean, a car isn't exactly a puddlejumper. Do you even have a license?"

John tightens his grip on the steering wheel. "My driving is not the issue here."

Rodney stares at the strange text, sure there must be a rhyme or reason to the writing. At last he exclaims, "I hope you feel badder."

"What?"

"That's what it says.  _I hope you feel badder._  I mean, I know I haven't been the best uncle but that's just mean."

"Doesn't sound right. Let me see."

"I do have a multiple PhDs. I think I can translate 4-year-old speak thank you very much."

Rodney holds up the paper while John's eyes dart between the picture and the road. "I hope you feel better."

"Oh. I guess that would make more sense."

"Just a little."

They arrive at Jeannie's house just on time to see Madison, Jeannie and Kaleb lugging out pumpkins onto their front porch. Fake cobwebs adorn the gutters.

Rodney feels a sudden sense of loss. He'll miss Atlantis's epic Halloween parties. He is glad, however, to miss Lorne's moonshine. Rodney doesn't really like drinking and John shares feelings far too much when he's drunk. He also won't miss the Athosian kids that swarm the city for trick-or-treating. Elizabeth claims it's good for morale despite Rodney's objections.

Rodney can only hope he won't be expected to take Madison trick-or-treating.

Madison rams headfirst into Rodney's legs. "Uncle Mer! Uncle Mer! You have got to see what we're doing!" She leads him by the hand to the pumpkins on the front porch. "We're decorating for Halloween!"

"Yes, um, I can see that."

"Halloween is in six days!"

"Actually, it's in twenty days."

"No. My teacher said that Halloween is soon and soon means six days. It will be so fun!"

Rodney hears John chuckle from behind him. "Don't you have somewhere you need to be?"

"I can't check into the hotel for another hour."

"Of course you can't," Rodney mumbles.

John helps Rodney settle his stuff in the house while Madison anxiously drags Rodney around the house. "And this is the sign that tells us not to hang on the railing because it might break and I sometimes forget so I told mommy I'd make a sign and she thought it was a good idea. Over here are all my toys. You will  _have_  to play blocks with me and we can build stuff and then we can color."

Rodney wonders if he talks as fast as Madison does. It's no wonder people have a hard time keeping up with him.

"Oh! We can create Halloween decorations! We can make bats and monsters and pumpkins! Halloween is in six days, you know."

"What? No, it's not."

Madison isn't listening. She raises her voice with her chin raised in typical McKay fashion. "My teacher said Halloween is soon."

"Yes, soon. Not in six days."

"My teacher said it was soon. Soon is in six days!"

John chuckles again, soaking in the situation with one of the largest grins Rodney's seen in a while.

"What?"

"You're arguing with a 4-year-old."

"We're not arguing," Madison breaks in. "I'm just telling him he's wrong."

"For crying out loud, I am not wrong. I have more doctorates than most people on this planet which means I'm a heck of a lot smarter than you!"

"Mer," Jeannie warns.

"What's a doctorate?" Madison asks.

Rodney bites back his next response, glaring at his sister and friend.

"Will you be staying for dinner?" Jeannie asks, turning to John.

"No, he won't," Rodney answers for him but Jeannie shoots him another glare.

"I'd love to," John replies.

Rodney sulks in his room expecting John to follow him. He misses Atlantis's gentle hum. He wonders why he is here and what he expects to have happen. He needs sleep. He doesn't need argumentative kids and know-it-all sisters.

He sees Ghost Grodin leaning against the wall. Falling onto the twin bed, Rodney cups his head into his hands. Leaving Atlantis isn't going to keep the nightmares at bay, he realizes. Maybe nothing will.

Madison stays in her parents rooms leaving her room open for Rodney. There are pictures all over the wall that Madison has drawn of her family, hearts, and other random scribbles. Rodney stares at the pictures wondering if his own art skills are at a little kid level. Art has never been his thing.

John never does follow him. He hears voices from the other room. The walls are thin enough for him to make out words but just barely.

"Is he okay?" Jeannie asks.

"Just tired," John answers but even from a distance, Rodney can hear John's hesitation. "It's been a rough year for all of us."

"What happened exactly?"

"I don't know. It wasn't one thing. He's tired and worn. He's been through a lot. He's been yelling at everyone. More so than usual, anyway. Other times he's quiet."

"Quiet? Mer?"

"Exactly. He's always out on the piers when he's not working. He can't sleep and..."

There is short silence. McKay wonders if they are whispering but then he hears Jeannie say, "And what?"

"It's...uh...you know..."

Rodney wishes he could see John's expression to better read what he wants to say. Half of translating John-speak involves watching him closely and noticing the slight differences in expression.

"John, tell me. He's my brother. If there is something wrong with him, I need to know."

"He might be seeing things. I'm not sure."

Rodney freezes. He stares at Ghost Ronon (who also isn't a Ghost so should stop pretending to be one) who simply shrugs back. He isn't really seeing him. He's imagining him. It's a fine line maybe but it's the difference between sanity and insanity. He's still sane. He thinks.

"Seeing things?"

"Maybe. I don't know. Docs say his brain is fine. Heightmeyer says it's how he's always dealt with post-traumatic stress and not a concern yet. Only reason I'm bringing it up at all is you can keep an eye on him. Let me know how it's going."

"I don't understand. Why isn't he on Atlantis? Surely Carson could-"

"Carson's…He's…Carson died."

Rodney's stomach tightens the way it always does when someone mentions Carson. He remembers Ghost Carson telling him he'd be okay. It takes him a moment to gather his bearings before he can once again concentrate on the conversation.

"To be honest, I'm not convinced his coming here is a good idea. We could have helped him better at home."

"So why is he here?"

"He insisted. I don't know why. I don't think he does either."

"We'll take care of him. Mer has always had his moments, even as a kid. There was a time when I was the only reason he'd leave the house."

"Good. Help him get some rest, find his bearings, and kick himself back into gear."

"And if he doesn't get better?"

There is another long pause. "That's not going to happen," John finally answers. "Give him a little rest and he'll be back to the Rodney we all tolerate."

"If it's that hard on him, maybe he shouldn't go back. My brother isn't exactly the strongest person I know. He once ran from an ant, you know."

"You're kidding?"

"I'm not. It crawled up his arm and he freaked out brushing it away and then ran into a wall. Smacked his head and got a nasty goose bump. I think he hadn't slept in something like sixty hours though so that might have had something to do with it."

"Sounds like Rodney."

Another pause before John talks again. "He's stronger than you'd think. He'll come back."

Rodney stops listening. He worries about rest and if sleep never happens. He's not sure how much more he can take.

He wakes up sweating not remembering falling asleep in the first place. It takes a while to blink away the latest images from nightmares. Madison is knocking at the door, announcing dinner by calling "Dinner. Dinner. Dinner. Dinner." She calls over and over again until he opens the door just to shut her up.

It's going to be a long month and this whole trip is a bad idea.

Dinner consists of no meat and a bunch of frightening vegetables. Rodney's stomach grumbles in anger so he manages to choke down some cauliflower and carrots. Eating off world has made him more affable to other cuisines but he's yet to meet a Pegasus native who refuses to eat meat.

Madison is bouncing from chair to floor and not touching much of her food. She is still talking about how Halloween is in six days and Rodney is wondering just how much Kaleb's English major genes have diluted Madison's super-genius McKay genes. At least her loud, shrieking voice drowns out whatever story Jeannie is trying to tell John.

John leaves shortly after dinner and Rodney settles into his bed. He hears a quiet knock just as his head hits the pillow. It takes a moment to gather the will power to move. "Yes?"

"This is for you," Madison explains. She holds out a small stuffed dragon. "Dragon scares away bad dreams."

At first the dragon lays on Madison's dresser, watching him. But by the third time Rodney wakes up in a sweat, he reaches for the dragon and cuddles it beneath his arm. It feels warm and cuddly and surprisingly cathartic.

* * *

Three days into the vacation, Madison enlists everyone's help in getting the house ready for Halloween.

"Do I have to?" Rodney complains but one glance at his sister and he knows he has no choice. "Fine."

Madison places Rodney on Bat drawing duty while she decides to make pictures. At first Rodney's bats resemble more of a black squiggly blob so Madison tells him, "Look what I do. See."

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/halloween2_zps8bee3e1c.jpg.html)

Rodney grumbles but follows her directions all the same because her bat actually looks like a bat-sort of. Not that he'll admit to a 4-year-old besting him.

They hang the decorations around the house as Madison bounces in excitement.

"This is going to be so cool! You're going to take me trick or treating, right? I'm going as a ballerina but mommy says the costume is too cold for outside so she also got me a dragon costume. You should go as something, too. Hmmmm…. Maybe  _The Pout Pout Fish?"_

"The what?"

" _The Pout Pout Fish_." She annunciates each word carefully as though that will clear everything up.

"Yes, repeating the same words over again, no matter how slowly, isn't going to make me understand you any better. Speak English please."

"You don't know  _The Pout Pout Fish_? Really?" Her eyes light up. She dashes into the next room and grabs the book. "This book is soooo you." She pats the cushion next to her, motioning for him to sit down. "I'll read. I looooove to read." She says the last part with such enthusiasm that he can't tell her no.

" _I'm a pout pout fish with a pout pout face and I spread the dreary wearies all over the place. Blub. Bluub. Bluuuub._ "*

She leans back further with each blub, making the largest pout that she can.

Rodney tells John about the story at dinner. "She said the book was me. I'm not that bad. I mean sure I'm not always happy-go-lucky but I'm not that bad."

"Happy-go-lucky?" John asks disbelievingly as he cuts into his stake. "You've been around Madison too much."

"It gets worse."

"Yeah?"

"Then she decided to draw me a picture."

Rodney takes the crumpled paper out of his pocket and spreads it out on the table.

"Is that you?"

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/sadrodney_zps74431422.jpg.html)

"Yes and I'm holding a balloon."

"And crying."

"I hope not. I mean that doesn't look anything like me, right?"

"It doesn't look much like anyone, Rodney."

"Good. Good. Because I don't think that's me."

"It's how she sees you."

"That's what Jeannie said."

"Well you've been there for three days. Have you smiled once while you're around her?"

Rodney is too tired to smile. He leans back in his chair, no longer interested in his steak. "I don't know. She said the balloon was to cheer me up. Apparently balloons make everything better."

"Balloons  _are_  cool. Maybe we should stop at the nearest store, grab a balloon, and then we can head back to Atl...home." John glances at the other faces in the restaurant and Rodney follows his cue. No one is looking at them but talking about top-secret facilities in the open probably isn't the best idea.

"The Daedalus won't be leaving for a few weeks. We're stuck."

"I'm still not sure why we're here."

"I don't know. It sounded like a good idea when Kate mentioned it."

"And now?"

"Seeing my sister is nice. I've missed her."

"That's something."

"Also, Madison may be a snot-nosed brat but she's still my niece. I did miss out on four years of her life. Maybe spending time with her isn't exactly torture. Mostly torture, sure, but not exactly. Anyway, she's smart. For a kid that is. You should see her Lego creations. She has blueprints and everything. Also, don't play Candy Land with her. She determines turn order and rigs the cards accordingly."

"So she's a kid version of you?"

Rodney focuses on his steak, grateful for the meat. His arms feel heavy and his back complains loudly. He's polished off his mashed potatoes before realizing John's been staring at him, probably waiting for a response to something.

"Hm? Sorry, I wasn't listening."

"You getting any sleep?" John asks.

Rodney nests his head into his hands, grabbing his bearings. His eyes drift closed but he quickly opens them again. "Some. Not really. Now instead of dreaming of everyone horribly dying on Atl—at home, I keep dreaming about everyone horribly dying here. I had a dream last night that the Wraith broke in and fed on my sister."

"Disturbing."

"Tell me about it."

Rodney glances from his plate to John. He breathes deeply, bracing himself for what he needs to say. At last the words come. "I heard what you told Jeannie. A few nights ago."

"Oh yeah? What about?" Rodney doesn't miss John's uncomfortable shuffle.

"I'm not hallucinating. Just so you know."

"That's good."

"I do…uh...remember people. I see them but I don't really see them."

"Like memories?"

"No...well...yes. I don't know. It's weird."

"Sounds weird. But you're okay?"

"For the thousandth time, yes. You can take off the kid's gloves and stop stalking me now. Go enjoy Earth for a while."

"Not happening. Face it Rodney, as long as you're here, I'm not going anywhere."

An awkward silence follows. Rodney hates silence so he starts talking about the new, military approved counselor he's seeing while on Earth. Kate recommends her highly but Rodney isn't sure. The woman only knows of Stargate through mission reports and has no clue what it's like to face Wraith attacks and the constant threat of destruction.

When the waiter returns with their check, they each stand to leave. John stuffs his hands awkwardly in his pocket. "So same time tomorrow?" John asks.

"Same bat channel," Rodney answers.

* * *

Rodney wakes from his latest nightmare clinging to the dragon as if for dear life. He blinks away the visions of John lying on the floor, his face cold, white, and lifeless.

Rodney forces back the nausea, burying his head further into his hands until he dares to look up. There are no ghosts to be seen and he is grateful.

He runs cool water through his hands before splashing water onto his face. He stares in the mirror and wonders at the man staring back. He feels and looks so much older than he should.

Footsteps creak against the floor from the living room. Rodney freezes. The clock reads 02:30. Adrenaline courses through him, quickening his heart rate. He glances around for a makeshift weapon deciding at last on a ceramic piggy bank.

Cautiously he opens the door, careful to make as little noise as he can. He can still hear the footsteps but now they are in the kitchen. There's a series of loud clangs and bangs.

Relief floods him. No robber would be foolish enough to make so much noise. He places the piggy bank back on the dresser and comes out to investigate.

Madison is sitting at the table eating a bowl of dry cereal. All of the kitchen cabinets are open. The floor is full of cheerios which crunch under his feet.

"Uncle Rodney!" she calls. Finally she's given up on calling him Mer despite his sister's best efforts.

"What are you doing up?"

"I dunno. I wanted to play. Then I was hungry. You want some?"

He's not sure, but he's fairly certain this behavior is unusual for a 4-year-old. Every day he sees her he can see more of himself in her. Well, aside from her ridiculous obsession with ballet anyway. He remembers himself as a boy, his father furious how in a late night raid Rodney took apart all of his electronics to see how they work.

"I don't know. Shouldn't you be asleep? The last thing I need is to face your mother's wrath."

"What's wrath?"

"You know. Anger. Fury."

Madison shrugs.

The living room is the victim of a massive hurricane. Papers and crayons litter the floor. Blocks cover every corner of carpet.

"What's this?" Rodney asks as he picks up one of Madison's latest creations.

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/stargate_zps29ed5f2e.jpg.html)

"Oh! That's the Stargate."

"The Stargate?"

"Yeah. It's the Stargate's birthday and that's why he's wearing a birthday hat. Oh! And he's eating pizza."

"Pizza?'

"Everyone has to eat," she answers in all seriousness, "even Stargates."

"Where did you hear about the Stargate?" Rodney asks, making a mental note to talk to Jeannie about confidentiality agreements.

"I dunno. You wanna play with me? We can play Candy Land or Othello or Legos."

Rodney considers going back to sleep but his shirt feels wet against his skin and he's not ready for another nightmare. "Well, Candy Land is definitely out. You play Othello?"

"Of course. I loooooove Othello."

Rodney wonders just how many things Madison loooooves and if the number of o's varies based on her enthusiasm.

"You're always sad," Madison says out of the blue while moving her black piece and turning over his whites. "Mommy says that when you feel bad you should find a way to feel better. We really need to get you a balloon. Do you like purple or red? Or maybe there aren't reds so you'll have to choose between purple or green. You never know until you get to the store what colors there are."

Rodney bats her hand away as she tries to turn over a non-sandwiched piece then starts his turn.

"I'm not always sad."

"Yes you are."

"Yeah, well, what would you know about it anyway? Huh? I'll have you know I have a good life."

"If you say so," Madison answers, rolling her eyes.

"I do. I have friends, a challenging job, and I get to go on adventures. You only wish you could have it so good."

"I have a good life too. I'm always happy.  _Always._  Except when I'm mad. Or sad. Mommy doesn't like my mad face." She scrunches her nose and pushes out her lips in demonstration.

"That's just…wonderful. Wow. You should probably stop that before your face gets stuck."

"Can that happen?"

"I don't know. Maybe. No."

"Oh. That would have been sooooo fun. So why are you sad?"

The change of direction is sudden. Rodney tries to follow 4-year-old thought processes but they're more random than his own.

"I already said I'm not sad."

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Am too."

"You mean 'Are too'. 'Am too' doesn't make any sense."

"You just don't even know," Madison replies.

Madison hovers the last piece above the board, looking thoughtful. "Did someone dieded?"

"Dieded?"

"Yeah. Dieded. You know. Dieded."

"No. I don't know. If I did know, I wouldn't be asking now would I? Oh." Rodney freezes. Cold floods over his body. He shivers slightly. Ghost Carson leans against the opposite wall. "You mean died?"

"Sally's dog dieded a few months ago. Sally cried so her mommy got her a bird. You could get a bird if you want. Or a cat. I looooove cats."

He considers running away. His room lays only a few feet away. He might not dream of horrible things. Maybe.

Instead he stays, starting a new game of Othello. "Yeah, someone dieded. Uh, died. Many someones really."

"And you miss them?"

"What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I miss them. Well, some of them." He never really knew Collins or Grodin or many of the others. Too many names he learned only after death.

Madison gasps. She stands up and points toward the stairs.

"Mommy says we don't say stupid. You need to go to time out."

"Yeah, I'm not doing that."

"Grown ups have to follow the rules. If you don't, I'll tell mommy and she'll be reeeeeeeeally mad."

"I'll take my chances. Now, can we change the subject?"

"You're going to wish you listened." Madison offers him her best angry voice but it quickly fades. She sits back down, clearing the Othello board for another game.

"Why don't you ever sleep?"

Rodney focuses on keeping his voice down and his heart rate low. He wonders if children should come with a warning that they are hazardous to one's mental health.

"Sorry, perhaps I was unclear. When I say something else, I mean something other than me. Like you. It's been six days and Halloween never came. Maybe next time you'll listen to those older and wiser than you. Huh?"

"It hasn't been six days."

"Yes. It has. I got here on the 11th and now it's the 17th. Six days."

"Nope. Halloween isn't here yet so it hasn't been six days."

Rodney throws his hands into the air, feeling his blood pressure rise. "That's circular reasoning."

"What's that?"

"You just went in a circle. You hypothesized that in six days it will be Halloween and then said since it's not Halloween it must not have been six days. You can't prove a theorem by assuming it is true to begin with."

"You just don't even know," Madison says shaking her head as if sad for him.

There's something unsatisfying about arguing with a little kid but somehow Rodney manages to keep arguing until the sun rises and his sister walks in the room.

Jeannie's glare is scary enough without her wild hair adding to the crazed affect. "What happened here?" she demands.

"She did it," Rodney quickly answers, pointing at Madison who is in turn making a mad face at her mom.

"I wanted to play!" she says, crossing her arms around her chest.

"Maddie, put the blocks away."

"But I don't-"

"Now. Mer, can I talk to you a second."

Rodney reluctantly follows taking a moment to return Madison's mad face with his best impression. As they leave, he hears Madsion shout back, "He said 'stupid' and wouldn't go to time out."

Jeannie's stare feels like a dagger. "What? I'm a grown up. I don't do time outs."

"We can discuss that later. Right now I'm more worried about you keeping my daughter up all night."

"Hey, she was already awake!"

"And I suppose she helped herself to the cereal?"

"Yes. She did, actually."

"She's four."

"And she's a McKay. That means she's got our smarts running through her. I mean, she's not as bright as we were with all that subpar English major DNA running around in her. She's not ready to make attack robots yet or anything. Even still, really smart."

"She's a kid and she needs to sleep. Not unlike some mad scientist staying here."

"Oh, please, I'm not mad. A little eccentric maybe, but not mad."

"Have you taken a look in the mirror lately, Mer? Your hair sticks out just like Dr. Frankenstein's and you really need to shave."

"Really? I was thinking of trying the whole beard look."

"No. Just…no, Mer."

"Did you want to say something or did you call me over here just to insult me?"

"I'm your sister. It's my job to insult you."

"Get to the point, Jeannie."

"Fine. Look, I know you're trying really hard to be a good uncle and brother. I appreciate it. I really do."

"There's a but to this, isn't there?"

"But I think you should concentrate more on getting rest. Madison gets in plenty enough trouble on her own without you enabling her and keeping her up all night. I love her dearly but that kid is a monster when she hasn't slept."

"That bad, huh? Okay. Fine. No more late night bonding sessions. Got it. Anything else?"

"I know you've been having trouble sleeping lately."

"Yes. Obviously."

"You've been here six days and we've hardly talked beyond discussing your latest theories. You're either hiding in your room or playing with Madison. I just want you to know, I can listen. Okay?"

Rodney remembers several late night conversations with Jeannie shortly after their dad's death. Even now he remembers her hugs and her gentle voice telling him they would be okay. He can still hear her voice urging him out of the house or talking to him about physics to keep him excited about something. She may have been the younger sister but she always knew how to console him.

He nods. "Yeah, okay," he tells her before wandering alone back to his room.

* * *

Kids are monsters. While this hypothesis is not new for Rodney, Madison is indisputable proof. He hears the screaming from the living room as Madison complains about everything from her mom's choice in clothes to not wanting to clean up the mess. Fighting wraith seems preferable to facing Madison's wrath.

At last the house grows quiet as Jeannie takes her out for her morning preschool and then ballet. Rodney welcomes the silence until he notices Ghost John looking at him.

"Go away already!" Rodney shouts and Ghost John complies. Rodney wishes his dreams would stick to those already dead because he can't handle losing anyone else.

He fears it is inevitable. As much as Atlantis is his home he knows it is also his future grave. He escapes death time and time again but eventually it will catch up and take him away. If not him, it will take all he loves.

A few hours later, he tells this to the military counselor, Dr. Alicia Peddleton. Peddleton tells him this is progress. He's finally narrowing down what is bothering him and now they can use that to move on. Rodney prefers ignorance because now he's wondering if he can go back. Much as he loves his home and his family he knows now that anyone is vulnerable, just like Carson.

He tells her that it's all about probabilities. A miracle 9 out of 10 times still leads to a lot of loss. He can't bear to lose anymore close friends. He can't bear to fail anymore. Every day is a crisis. Every day is another emergency. Every day is another chance to lose.

John shows up for lunch just as Madison and Jeannie arrive back at the house. Madison still wears a mad face. She raises her chin and crosses her arm as she refuses to unbuckle herself from the car. Rodney wonders if he looks the same when he's upset. When Jeannie tries to help, Madison kicks and screams.

John and Rodney make a hasty retreat to lunch. Rodney's burger smells delicious at first but then waves of nausea take over. The burger lays untouched on his plate.

John glances from the plate to Rodney then back to the plate but his concern isn't enough to convince Rodney to take another bite. He sees Ghost Sheppard sitting next to John on one side and Ghost Elizabeth on the other. The restaurant is filled with Ghost Ronon,Ghost Teyla, Ghost Grodin, Ghost Collins. He imagines a Thriller flash mob before shaking the disturbing thought aside.

His counselor is wrong. This is not progress. This is dissent into madness.

"I'll be right back," Rodney says, rushing to the bathroom to pour more water over his face. He recalls Teyla's meditation teachings and tries breathing deeply and picturing a peaceful place. He imagines himself on the pier. Fresh water flows between his toes and onto Atlantis's dock.

To his surprise, the meditation works. Sort of. The ghosts disappear. He vanquishes the memories of bad dreams and past traumas along with the ocean waves.

"You okay?" John asks when he returns to the table.

"Yeah. I'm good." To ease John's fears, Rodney takes a large bite of his burger. John relaxes.

They eat in silence. Rodney moves to speak several times but the words won't come. The right words feel wrong.

"John," he says at last.

"Yeah."

"Look. I know this isn't what you want to hear and all but I need to…well...I know you're going to be mad and I don't blame you but I just think you should know."

"Spit it out, Rodney."

"Right. Just. Come and out say it. I can do that." He breathes deeply once again then races through his next words. "I'm not going back."

John's freezes. A brief look of panic crosses his face but it's quickly subdued, hidden with feigned nonchalance.

"Of course you are. You're sister's expecting you."

"Nice try but we both know that's not what I mean. I can't go back to the city."

At last John looks up. "You're not thinking straight."

"Maybe. I don't know. I…I just know I can't go back. I can't keep screwing up. I can't keep watching people die. I can't."

He realizes he's pleading but he's not sure for what. For John's permission? For understanding? For forgiveness?

John straightens. His hand grips the table tightly, turning his knuckles white. Then finally he looks up once more. His shields are down. His pain and sorrow lay bare in his hurt eyes. "We've been over this, Rodney. Carson's death wasn't your fault."

"This isn't just about Carson. It's everyone else. Griffin, Collins, Ford. The list is too big too count and still growing."

Anger flashes in John's eyes. Even after all this time, just hearing Ford's name gives an immediate response. "We've lost a lot people. Good people who deserved better," John says. "Leaving the city won't change that."

"I could live a good life here on Earth."

"Right because you were loving it so much last time we got stuck here."

"Things have changed."

"We can talk about this later. When you've slept better."

"In case you haven't noticed, sleep isn't exactly happening right now."

"It will. Give it time."

"I mean it, John. I'm not going back."

"What about the lives you save everyday? Much as I hate to boost your ego any larger than it already is, you know Atlantis needs you. And remember back on Taranas? No one else would have come up with the plan you did to escape that volcano and save an entire civilization. There are plenty more examples where that comes from."

"And plenty of examples where I messed up. Doranda for one."

"We all make mistakes. Doesn't mean we should pack up and run away. What we do still matters. You can't expect me to believe you'd leave that behind. Not after everything we've been through. Not after everything that is at stake." John's breathing hard. His voice is loud, filled with anger and hurt.

It's rare for John to show his raw emotions. It leaves Rodney feeling cold and ill.

"And if you die? What then? Or Teyla or Ronon? I won't be there for that."

"For crying-out-loud. We're not going to die!"

"Yes, because sticking your head in the sand will completely negate probability."

"It's worked so far."

"Except for Carson. Or you know any of the hundreds of others we've lost."

John moves to leave. "We can talk about this later," he says, quickly signing the check and rushing out the door.

They meet for lunch the next day. It's awkward and silent. Rodney tells him how Jeannie is collaborating with him on another proof if only to fight the silence. John hardly says a word. His face is back to masking his pain but anger and hurt radiate from his entire being. Neither of them mention the previous day's conversations.

They decide to meet at the hotel from now on and watch movies instead.

* * *

On October 25th, Rodney announces that Halloween is officially six days away.

Madison responds with a quick, "I told you! Halloween is in six days." She dramatically throws herself on the couch. "Why does no one ever listen to me?"

Rodney wonders if 4 is the new 14.

Madison decides they need to make monsters. She comes up with the idea of cutting triangles for teeth and using ribbon for the arms and legs. Rodney wonders why he agrees to participate but finds himself pulling out the glue and crayons all the same.

"I think good monsters are good. They can help."

"Help?"

"Maybe monsters chase bad dreams away?"

"Don't they usually cause the bad dreams?" Rodney asks.

"Not this one. He's a kid in a monster costume. Not scary. See."

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/20141019_191604_zps9abafac0.jpg.html)

"Then how is it supposed to help?"

"I dunno." She shrugs.

She insists on hanging the picture on the wall herself. "Now you won't have bad dreams," she declares.

It doesn't work.

_Jeannie opens the front door, candy bowl ready._

_"Trick or treat," says the Wraith. Before Rodney can react, the Wraith is feeding off of her. Her body falls against the wall, cold and lifeless._

_Rodney races to protect Madison but she's nowhere to be seen._

_"You could have stopped this!" Kaleb yells at him. Rodney knows he is right._

The next morning, Madison insists on more monster crafting. "Silly me. The first one wasn't scary enough," she says. "This one will be sooooo scary."

She uses a lego baseboard under the paper and colors over the top to create a bumpy texture.

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/PART_1413587035612_20141017_160328_zps6a04d644.jpg.html)

She doesn't look up from her coloring for a full hour. She is intent on every line and each Monster coming out exactly as she pictures them. Jeannie warns Rodney not to break her focus or Madison will become a real-life kid monster and no one wants to experience that again.

He thanks Madison, wondering how quickly he can take down the drawings without her noticing.

He curls into bed, pulling the covers close. He pulls the dragon closer. Maybe Madison will let him take the doll to Atlantis. If he hides it in his quarters, no one will know he needs it to sleep.

Rodney tells Dr. Peddleton that the ghosts are always present now. They refuse to blink away.

He tells her of his dreams.

"What do you think Kaleb means?"

"It's obvious, isn't it?"

"Explain it to me."

"If I go back to Atlantis, I get to watch everyone die. If I don't go, then everyone who dies on Earth is someone I might have been able to save."

"You don't believe Atlantis can function without you?"

"Function, sure. But let's face it, there's no one like me."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I'm an essential part of our fight against the Wraith."

"So you plan to go back?"

"I don't know if I can."

"What about Colonel Sheppard? What does he think?"

"He's still avoiding the topic. He thinks that once I've slept that suddenly all my problems will disappear and I can go back to Adventure Happy Land without any repercussions."

She subscribes him a stronger sedative. Rodney holds the pill bottle in his hand. He can't rely on them forever, he knows, but his mind needs rest.

The day passes in a blur much like the previous days. He barely remembers meeting John and watching  _Frankenstein_ , talking to Jeannie about his theories, and watching Madison dance in a circle over and over and call it a performance.

Peddleton's latest prescription works where the others failed. They are far better than monsters or dragons for taking the nightmares away. He wakes feeling rested for the first time in months.

Ghost Carson sits near his bed. "That's better now, isn't it?"

Rodney doesn't answer. He moves to the living room where Jeannie is nursing tea.

"You're looking a little better," she says, offering him a seat on the couch.

"First dreamless sleep in months," Rodney answers. He rummages through the papers allowing his mind to lose itself in the calculations.

"Jeannie?"

"Yeah, Mer?"

"I'm thinking of staying here."

"As in here here?" Jeannie motions around the house, her eyes wide. Much as she enjoys having him here, he can see she'll be okay with him leaving when the time comes.

"No. Not here here but you know here. As in, not Atlantis."

"Oh." Jeannie pauses putting down the paper and watching her brother closely. "I thought you loved your job."

Rodney stands up, pacing the room. "I do. Mostly. When I'm not being shot at or cut up or accidentally getting my best friend killed."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Carson died because I assigned juniors to catalog the lab. He's not the only one who's died because of me. Then there's everything else. I have so many scars, Jeannie." He slumps back into the couch, as hundreds of images pass through his mind at once. John aims his P-90 and Teyla pushing the gun away but the bullet hits Rodney anyway. Then another memory where steel cuts through flesh while he gives away the city's plans. Another memory where water threatens to drown him in a downed puddlejumper. The last memory, he remembers talking to Carson on the headset and then not.

"You were shot? And you never told me?"

"Yeah. Um. John shot me actually. Just a graze really. He didn't know it was me at the time but…" He closes his eyes, willing his body to stop trembling. "And I've been tortured to."

"Tortured. As in torture torture."

"No as in Funland torture. Yes as in torture torture." He rolls up his sleeve, showing Jeannie the scar Kolya inflicted on him so long ago.

"I thought you just hung out in your lab all day. I mean, you mentioned monsters and everything but I thought you were in the city. Safe from all that. God, Mer, it's no wonder you can't sleep."

He's shaking. Memories flood him. He closes his eyes briefly and suddenly Jeannie is there, pulling him into a hug. "You should have told me before," she whispers.

"So should I stay?" he asks.

"I can't answer that. I don't know. You seem so happy there. I sleep better knowing you're keeping the monsters at bay. Or maybe I sleep worse because I didn't know until recently about the monsters but now I do know and I will sleep better knowing you are there."

"So I should go back?"

"I didn't say that. You got shot, Mer! If I'd had any idea... What about you? What do you think?"

"I don't know. I'm asking you, aren't I?"

"I can't make the decision for you if that's what your asking. What does John say?"

"He thinks I can't help but go back. Then I see you and your family here and everything is easier. I never liked kids much but Madison isn't so bad. I'd hate to miss more of her growing up. I'd hate to miss more of your life. Sure, it's completely mundane and boring here and I miss playing hero, but it's peaceful, you know?"

Rodney glances down at some of Madison's pictures that currently cover every inch of carpet in the living room. "Okay, that's it. How does she know about the Stargate?" He picks up one of the pictures, handing it over to Jeannie.

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/rodneystargate_zpse5cd9c48.jpg.html)

"Is that you crying?"

"Not the point. I'm standing next to the Stargate. The very classified Stargate that a 4-year-old isn't likely to keep secret. "

"I didn't tell her."

"Right. She just came up with the whole idea on her own, did she?"

"I heard you talk in your sleep," Madison says from the stairwell. She runs forward, jumping in between them on the couch.

"What? I don't do that. Do I?

"I can hear you from the hall. You talk reeeeeeally loud."

"Right. And what exactly do I say?"

"Names. Sometimes you seem really sad and sometimes scared. We should really buy you a balloon today. Or I can draw you some!"

Madison settles down instantly, her focus back to each line. Questioning her further is pointless so Rodney heads to the kitchen for breakfast carrying the picture with him.

* * *

Rodney shows up with  _Shawn of the Dead_  only to find John isn't alone.

"I invited some company. I hope that's okay."

"Teyla? Ronon?"

"It is good to see you, Rodney." Teyla lowers her head in the traditional Athosian greeting which Rodney returns awkwardly.

Ronon gives a short wave and a "Hey." His smile is large and welcoming.

"What are you guys doing here? I mean, not that I'm not happy to see you or anything but you weren't exactly in the neighborhood."

"I invited them. No offense, but your company was starting suck."

"By which you mean you called in the cavalry based on our lunch conversations."

"Look, they're here. We have a good movie to watch. Let's not worry about who invited who or why. Okay?"

John tosses in the movie while everyone starts to settle.

"Bed's mine," Ronon proclaims. "Anyone who says different can fight me for it."

Teyla looks like she might but then decides to take the only chair.

Rodney grumbles before grabbing the only bowl of popcorn. "As long as everyone is in such a sharing mood, I hope you all brought other snacks for yourselves."

"Children!" John warns. "Play nice."

"Where's the fun in that?" Ronon glowers but then moves slightly over.

As the movie plays, they catch up. Teyla explains, "The scientists are uneasy without you there. Already there have been three mishaps."

"Only three? Zelenka must be reigning them all in better than I expected."

"He was able to fix the problems but I believe you would have fixed them faster. We would all feel safer if you were there," Teyla says.

"What else have I missed?"

"Lorne's bad moonshine," Ronon says. "Several people had to have their stomachs pumped."

"Glad I missed that. Anything else?"

"A nasty hair bug infestation that caused a lot of itching. We were afraid Ronon might have to shave his hair."

Rodney stifles a laugh as Ronon glares angrily at the three of them. "I would pay to see that," John says.

They continue talking so much so that Rodney's not sure what's happening in the movie or why. It's a shame really because he loves Simon Peg and Nick Frost as a comedy duo. Of course, a ghost film probably isn't the best idea.

"Listen, I need to take Maddie trick-or-treating on Halloween. You know how I am with kids."

"Terrible. Terrifying? Pathetic?" John asks.

"Oh come on, I am not that bad."

"Are too"

"Anyway, so I was thinking—"

"Yeah, we'll come with you," John says.

"You will? Good. Good. Uh… Thank you."

"Think of it as a favor to Maddie."

Rodney wishes the night will last forever but soon the movie is over. He finds himself at the door wishing to find a reason to stay but also knowing he needs to get back and sleep. There's something wonderful about time with his team that he can't put his finger on. He knows that's why John called them in. He wants Rodney to remember what he's missing.

"If you would like to talk, you need only ask," Teyla tells him.

"Thank you."

"Don't think I won't drag you back," Ronon says. Rodney isn't sure whether or not he is kidding.

John doesn't say anything. His grin says,  _try leaving us behind. It's not happening._

* * *

Rodney tells Dr. Peddleton that sleep does make all the difference. The sedatives drown out the nightmares at night, leaving Rodney only to live them while awake. Even those memories are slowly fading.

"Time may not heal all wounds but it can lessen the pain," she tells him.

Some nights he doesn't even take the pills.

"It'll continue to get easier," she says. "It may not feel like it, but you've made a lot of progress. There's rarely a single moment where we heal but rather many moments where we take steps forward. It's not until we are looking back that we can understand our journey."

Rodney agrees only to placate her. He's not sure what progress she sees.

* * *

On Halloween, Madison dances around the house in her ballerina outfit demanding to know why Rodney isn't wearing a Halloween costume. In the end, he agrees to wear a Star Trek communicator pin on his jacket.

Ronon and Teyla show up wearing their traditional clothes because there's no need to attempt blending in. John dresses as Indiana Jones.

It's too early for trick-or-treating so they spend their time catching up and carving pumpkins. It's Rodney's idea which he instantly regrets.

"This is disgusting." Rodney tosses some guts into the discard bowl, pushing his pumpkin away. He races to the kitchen, rinsing his hands thoroughly then once more for good measure.

"It's not that bad," John says. He's already emptied his pumpkin and is now drawing his design. He goes for the standard triangle eyes and jagged mouth.

"It feels like a Wraith hive ship," Rodney complains. He shivers, remembering the feeling of the ships guts wrapping around him, trapping him in its cocoon.

"I know," Ronon says. "Feels good ripping it apart, doesn't it?"

Rodney turns to Ghost Collins then back to his discarded pumpkin. Rodney's ghosts look like Wraith today. Apparently even hallucinations like dressing up for Halloween.

Not that they're hallucinations. Not really.

Teyla carves an Athosian symbol in her pumpkin. "It's a prayer for inner peace, Rodney," she explains. "It is my belief that you will rejoin us once you reclaim your own."

John finishes the last touches of his pumpkin before moving on to Rodney's. He traces a sad face and a few balloons.

"Oh come on," Rodney cries, waving his hands in the air as John stifles a laugh.

"That's just like my picture!" Maddie exclaims happily.

Ronon guts his pumpkin a little too thoroughly leaving little left to carve. He growls, grabs another pumpkin, and starts again. He carves with intense precision.

Rodney stares at Ronon's pumpkin in disbelief before turning away. "Tell me that's not a Wraith."

"Why not? Fun to smash later."

As the sun begins to set, they leave their pumpkins on the porch. Madison changes into her dragon coat and pants. "I'm a ballerina eaten by a dragon," she explains.

"Keep an eye on them for me," Jeannie tells her before shutting the door.

There's a surprising lack of rain for Vancouver but it is freezing cold. Rodney huddles into his jacket as they make their way down the block. Madison insists on walking up to each door on her own, leaving the others to wait at the edge of each lawn.

"How come we don't get candy?" Ronon asks.

"It is disappointing," Teyla agrees. "It seems this ritual is meant to bring communities together and yet the adults are kept from participating."

"See!" Rodney says, snapping his fingers. "See! I've been saying the same thing. Well sort of the same thing for years now."

"You have not," John says. "You just want candy."

"Of course I do. Same as you."

John shrugs offering neither confirmation nor disagreement.

Madison races back pouting. "They didn't answer either," she says, crossing her arms over her chest. "That's mean."

"I am sure the next house will prove more hospitable," Teyla tells her.

Rodney glances down at his carefully drawn map. As long as he's going trick-or-treating with a kid, he's going with a plan. "We can skip to the next block."

"Why are so many houses dark?" Ronon asks.

"Because people are a bunch of selfish curmudgeons." Rodney glances up from his map to see everyone staring at him. "What?"

"You're one to talk," John says, his breath hanging in the air before dissipating.

Rodney shivers, pulling his jacket closer. "Just a few more houses," he says.

"So you are Uncle Rodney's friends from the Stargate?" Madison asks as they reach the next block. This one looks more promising. Several houses are adorned with spider webs, orange lights, and pumpkins.

"What did you tell her?" John demands.

"I didn't tell her anything."

"He talks in his sleep," Madison says.

"I do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"How else would I know?"

Rodney makes angry faces back at Madison's angry faces. They stay that way for a while, both refusing to blink.

"Okay, kids. That's enough," John cuts in.

Madison walks ahead, holding her chin high. As she comes back from the next house, she tilts her head slightly left and observes Rodney carefully.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just. You're happy."

"I told you, I'm a happy person."

He ignores Ronon's scoff.

"I think my picture is wrong. You weren't sad because you're thinking of the Stargate; you're sad because you're not at the Stargate. You miss your friends. I'm sad when I don't see my friends."

"Really? You're 4 and now a licensed psychologist?"

"You should listen to her," John cuts in. "Seems like a smart kid."

"He's sad because people dieded," Madison tells the others in a very serious voice.

"Here we go again," Rodney throws his arms into the air once again. "Can we please stop talking about this?" he pleads.

"Mommy says people sometimes get dieded. It's okay to be sad but then you have to find a way to be happy. Sally's mom bought her a bird when her dog dieded."

"You are very wise for your young age," Teyla tells her. "If Rodney is as wise as we know him to be, he will listen to you."

Rodney glares at all of them. "Please, she doesn't even understand what dieded means." There is nowhere for him to run so he pushes his jacket up and burrows himself deeper inside.

"You don't even know," Madison retorts

"And you continue to make no sense whatsoever."

Ghost Carson says, "Maddie is right, you know."

Rodney ignores him.

As the rain picks up, Madison complains of the cold. They make the short camp back to the house, arriving completely drenched. The scent of hot cocoa welcomes them through the front door. Rodney sips his while watching Madison dish out her loot in seven piles. "One for you and one for you and one for you…" she says as she places a candy in each group. Rodney sees Jeannie in Madison when she grabs each pile and hands one proudly to each person in the room.

The next day Madison draws him a new picture. She says it's of his team and they're all holding balloons because they want to make him happy.

Later, Dr. Peddleton asks him what he thinks of Madison's wisdom. Rodney says it's nothing different that he already knows.

The next week passes in less of a blur than the previous ones. He plays several games of Othello with Madison, allowing her to win only after Jeannie presses him to. He watches movies with his team. He goes for walks. Mostly he continues to work without the threat of a crisis to interrupt him. All in all, it is a nice week, but boring. He wonders how Zelenka is faring on Atlantis and what interesting technology might have been discovered in his absence.

* * *

November 8th comes with the news the Daedalus is shipping out two days early. Apparently Atlantis has sent an urgent request for the ship's expedient return. As soon as the hyperdrive finishes undergoing maintenance, it will be time to choose: leave or stay.

"We could drag you back," Ronon tells him.

"Or you could save us the trouble," John adds.

Rodney glances back at Ghost Carson who looks less real and more like a memory every day. None of the other ghosts have visited since Halloween.

Meanwhile, it's been three days since he's taken any sleeping pills. The nightmares are less intense now. He wakes feeling mostly rested.

He realizes Peddleton is right. Change doesn't come all at once, but it does come. Without much rhyme or reason, he feels a little better each day.

He turns to Teyla, motioning for them to talk privately because John and Ronon don't understand but maybe she will.

"If I go back, people will die because of me."

"And if you stay here, people will also die. Only perhaps less would if you were there to intervene."

"I know. I really do. But…I…I'm terrified one of you will be next. That I'll have to watch that."

"It is a fear we all live with every day. We find courage and strength in each other and we persevere not because it is easy but because we must. I believe you already understand this."

"I do." It's strangely true. He does understand as much as he wishes he doesn't.

"You've always known you would come back. We are your home."

When they return to the others, Ronon looks disappointed that he won't be able to throw Rodney over his shoulders and drag him to the Daedalus. Rodney knows it's all a cover to hide his real emotions: relief and joy.

John says, "Told you you wouldn't leave."

Rodney wonders if Teyla is right. As heavy as his burdens are, a life away from Atlantis seems unreal--less real than even ghosts. He's always known he would return even as he wishes he could stay away. He's not sure what coming to Earth was supposed to accomplish or if it's accomplished much of anything at all, but somehow he feels lighter than he has in months.

He stops by the house to grab the last of his stuff. Madison glomps his legs. She holds him close with a tight grip before finally pulling away. "I made you a picture," she says. "Two pictures anyway. I looooove coloring."

She's drawn him balloons and then a second picture of happy Rodney next to the gate. "It's so you always remember," she tells him.

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/20141028_094630_zps79fb5537.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/balloons_zps5622ef8d.jpg.html)

He reaches down into his own bag, pulling out a small gift for her. "I got you something, too," he tells her. She rips open the wrapping to reveal a set of colored pencils and a sketch pad. "Oh, and there's a card, too."

He takes out the crumpled paper from his jacket, pressing it flat against the coffee table.

[ ](http://s573.photobucket.com/user/eulerphi/media/rodney_zps5c906aec.jpg.html)

"Is that me?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't look like me."

"Right, because your pictures look any better?"

"They do."

"Do not."

"Mer!" Jeannie cuts in.

"Well why does she have to be so insufferable!"

"You mean why does she have to be so much like you?"

Madison holds the note up, carefully reading the writing. "Thank you for the cards. Please send more. Uncle Rodney."

"I mean it. I want one every month at the very least. Got that."

"Cards are soooo fun," Maddie answers, giving him another big hug.

Rodney turns to his sister. They offer each other a long hug as well. It feels warm and safe. "You take care of yourself now, okay?" he tells her.

"You sure you'll be okay?"

"No, not really. I should go anyway."

"Take care of yourself. Don't get shot again or I'll come over there and kick your butt. Don't think I won't. "

"I'm sure Colonel Caldwell will have no problem giving you a lift to do just that."

They hug one last time. He embraces the warmth until it becomes awkward.

Rodney settles into the Daedalus, ready for the long ride. Ghost Carson doesn't follow.

They're not even a day out from Earth when alarm bells sound around the ship. Rodney stumbles out of bed, carefully hiding the stuffed dragon under the bed just in case Ronon or John happen by his guest quarters. On the way to the bridge, John catches up to him.

"Ready for this?" John asks. He doesn't specify what 'this' is but Rodney understands what he means.

Rodney nods slightly. "Yeah, I'm ready."

The End

* * *

*Quote from The Pout Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was very hard to write and it took a lot of hours. I'm not sure it was worth it, but I couldn't put in that much work and not post. I work better when I have a content/grammar/cheerleading beta but they seem to be in short supply. If anyone is up for the job, let me know. 
> 
> A big thanks to my little girl for her drawings. She's the entire reason I finished this story even when it made me crazy! 
> 
>  
> 
> * Quote is from The Pout Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen


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